Conflict Management: How to Maintain Your Energy and Create Results in Less Time
Photo by Krasimir Georgiev
This article is about managing yourself and your energy levels!
During conflict, it is hard to maintain your energy levels and reach the results you strive for. Getting it right is the art of conflict management.
We spend a lot of our time solving conflicts and tensions. If you are in a leadership position, you spend about 40% of your work time on managing disputes. In some cases, more conflict will wait at home. Interestingly, the more we work the more conflict we have at home.
I have spent a lot of time in conflict with employees, family members, my partner and business partners. It will be exhausting if you have not learnt how to manage conflicts. Your mental and physical health will suffer. The chance of coming through conflict with a good result will diminish with lower energy levels. On top of that, when family and business are intertwined, conflict becomes foggy. We are often not sure what we really are in conflict about.
This article is an addition to the article "Turning your family conflict into opportunity" and is more focused on the individual than on a group. So, let us dive into the topic in-depth and see what methods and techniques can help us to maintain our energy during conflict and manage conflict productively.
Conflict Basics
To be able to go through a conflict well, it is paramount to understand what is going on. We are often not only in conflict with others but also with ourselves. With this awareness you will know where to start and what to do.
Intrapersonal vs Interpersonal Conflict
We can be in conflict with ourselves (intrapersonal) or others (interpersonal). There are also conflicts between groups that we may be part of, called intergroup conflict. Conflicts happen on various levels and can go up to international conflicts. We have little control over conflicts, in which we are not directly involved. Albeit higher conflicts also drain our energy.
Conflicts with others and ourselves are in my personal experience more draining than group conflicts. When we are in conflict with ourselves, we are usually drawn between options. Often, we have two equally good or equally bad options in front of us and cannot choose. Or we have an option that attracts us and repels us simultaneously, usually because it has some great and some bad parts. The longer we stay in an internal conflict the more tension is created within us. A conflict with another person is a different story. While in an intrapersonal conflict we are in full control of what happens, in an interpersonal conflict we have another actor whom we cannot control. The methods for maintaining our energy are different for each, but with some similarities.
Conflict Evolution
How does a conflict start? And why are conflicts so damn exhausting? Usually, a conflict starts with at least one party in conflict. First, tension is created internally coming from frustration. We are frustrated with something. Maybe we are frustrated with ourselves; for example, with how we handled something. Maybe we are frustrated with how another person treats us. Maybe we are frustrated with the direction the company is going. There are infinite reasons for frustration.
Conflict will then come into being when the tension is released into the environment. Often the tension is released at the wrong time to the wrong person. This means we can have a conflict, which is not ours to have. For example, your partner has a lot of tensions to deal with at work and suddenly you have a conflict about your shoes not being where they should be. Most of the released tension results from frustration about work and then it mixes with the frustration about your shoes. That is when a minor issue becomes a big one. Making an elephant out of a fly as to speak.
The graph below shows how a conflict usually evolves; but only when the conflict is managed productively. Many times a conflict has left participants with broken-down communication. This means that the conflict has broken off in the stalemate phase. Which sometimes is the right “settlement” as to speak. But in reality, the conflict has not been settled and it is left alive for eternity. If you grow up in a business family, you may have come across situations like this: Your father and uncle don’t speak to each other anymore. Or some cousin and another hate each other’s guts. Or two-family branches are at war with each other, but the generations don’t really know why anymore. A blood feud.
Another important factor is that we are part of several social systems in our lives. As mentioned in the example of the shoes above, conflict can easily move from one social system to the next. That is if we manage ourselves badly with respect to it. Most of us are not good at it and thus it will happen often. Even if you can manage to stop yourself from moving your tensions and conflicts between systems, others maybe won’t be able to. It is important to develop the awareness to put a conflict into the right box. The sooner you realize you are discussing something that is not the source of the actual conflict, the better.
Pros And Cons of Conflict
In respect of personal energy maintenance, it is essential to understand the pros and cons of a conflict. If we see a conflict only as something negative, we will fall into a pessimistic mindset, which is enormously draining. If you can manage to focus on the pros of a conflict, you can put yourself into an optimistic mindset. When in an optimistic mindset it is easier to keep your energy levels up. On an individual level, a conflict can be a chance to improve. We can improve ourselves or the situation through conflict. By not engaging in the conflict, we are accepting the status quo. Essentially to change something you will need to go through a conflict.
In any given situation you have essentially three choices. One is to accept the situation, you are ok with how things are, and decide there is no need to be angry or disappointed about it. Thus, you take the situation for what it is and work with it. The second is to change a situation. What is required to change? Often changing something with respect to a group will cause a conflict. And thirdly you can walk away and leave a situation. Doing this physically and mentally at once is the right step. Sometimes we only leave a situation mentally or physically, which is not healthy. These are coping mechanisms, which will cause long-term harm in exchange for short-term comfort. This is often seen in children when they try to cope with a toxic environment.
Conflict is also essential for us to improve personally. Feedback and advice may cause a conflict. If you react in a toxic way to feedback, people may refrain from giving you feedback or advice. This can result in you not developing as a person and staying stuck in the way you are. Take conflict as a chance to improve yourself. A certain amount of conflict is needed in life for it to be interesting. We need a certain amount of stress to perform well. Eating down things that disturb you will cause inner tension. These will eat you up from the inside. Studies have shown that sustained inner conflict and tension cause physical health problems. The range of these is wide and not worth enduring.
Conflict is a big energy drainer. Too much conflict will hamper your performance. So as mentioned above the right amount is key. Take on as much conflict as you can comfortably manage. This is not the same for everyone, so do not fall into the trap of copying others. You need to find the right amount for yourself. Conflict is difficult to handle. Thus, conflict can damage and potentially destroy relationships. Conflict can lead to depression, especially if it is sustained over a long period of time. Progress is important. Conflicts without any progress will be devastating to your and others’ mental health.
The relationship between conflict intensity and outcomes
REMINDER: The article is about managing yourself and your energy levels!
Tensions
Tensions are the basis for conflict. Before a conflict erupts, we have tensions as a precursor. How can we identify tensions? What effects do they have on us? And how should you deal with tensions once you have identified one?
How to Identify Tensions?
Tensions can be inside yourself or inside a team. Tension is an unspoken conflict. You are not happy with a certain circumstance. Here we can discern from the tension you can feel inside yourself, or the tension you can feel from others. Sometimes another person is not happy with something in relation to you, but you are oblivious to it. This is a one-sided unspoken conflict. Sometimes you will be able to feel that there is something odd.
How can you identify tension in yourself?
The easiest indicator is a feeling of uneasiness. Usually, you will feel pressure in your chest or your belly region. You may feel angry or sad. You are ruminating about something, thinking about it repeatedly. You are generally restless, you cannot sleep. To help you identify tension in yourself imagine yourself in a moment when you are relaxed: How do you feel? What does your body feel like? What are you thinking? Then imagine yourself in a situation when you are stressed: How do you feel? What does your body feel like? What are you thinking?
So, what about tensions in the team?
There are some easy cues to look out for to recognize tensions in the team. Knowing how to see them will make you better aware of what you are dealing with. This way you can then make sure to take steps to protect yourself from the effects. Are the objectives of the team members aligned? Are they working in the same direction? If not, then that is a sign of tension. Is there an unhealthy level of competition? What is the team’s communication like? Are team members avoiding each other? For example, Adam is in the kitchen making coffee for himself. Eva is on her way to the kitchen. But when she sees Adam, she instead returns to sit down again. In a team with tensions, there is generally an uneasy atmosphere.
Effects of Tensions
Tensions have an adverse effect on the team and yourself. They will hamper performance. A certain amount of conflict is needed to be in optimum performance; too much decreases it again. Tensions can be fuelled to increase performance; however, open conflict is always better.
Tension has very negative effects on a personal level. We discussed how tensions are shown in your body, so you can identify them. As you might be able to guess, tensions are having an adverse effect on your health. When suffering from too much internal tension, you will have higher cortisol levels, higher pulse, and higher blood pressure. Tension can turn on your sympathetic nervous system.
The sympathetic nervous system is activated when you feel in danger. Thus, you are then in freeze, fight and flight mode (3F). In this mode, your body reduces functions that are not necessary for immediate survival. Your digestion is not working properly. Your short-term energy storages in the liver are activated and depleted. After the end of the day, you will feel exhausted. You will be hungrier due to your energy storage being depleted and digestion not working properly. You might tend to overeat and crave foods high in sugar. Due to your liver overworking your capacity to detoxify your body decreases. It will be difficult to focus. You will feel on edge constantly. From experiencing high tensions in myself and around myself, I can warn you that the consequences can be terrible. Not only mentally in form of depression, but physically in form of different illnesses. I developed MCAS, and I have seen others develop cancer, or schizophrenia being triggered. Do not take tensions lightly.
How to Deal with Tensions
The effects of tensions are clearly not desirable. So how can you protect yourself from these? Well, first it is important to reduce tensions. This is done by learning to have open conflict. In many families, we learn as a child to either not have conflict or to have toxic conflict. Both are not good, however, tensions usually arise from the prior case of avoiding conflict. When you avoid conflict, you decide to swallow down what is making you unhappy. We take the emotions and lock them away deep inside ourselves. Emotions are energy, and negative emotions are destructive energy. By locking these away within yourself they will do damage.
Start addressing people who step on your toes. Learn to set boundaries and defend them. This should be done in a productive manner though. Most people will not overstep your boundaries on purpose. At least give them the benefit of the doubt. When your boundaries are overstepped use a simple formula to address it. First, you acknowledge the other person and show appreciation (A). Only then address the issue by communicating what you do not like (I). And then offer a solution (S). So, for example, your college keeps drinking your special tea at work without asking. Start by saying that you appreciate his fine taste in tea. Then say that you do not like how he drinks your tea all the time. As a solution, you can suggest that he pays half of the tea, and you start buying twice as much. Because you understand that the tea shop where you buy is too far away from his home.
Addressing tensions and having open conflict is easier said than done. It is a long process for you to get there. And sometimes in certain environments, it is not a good idea to address tensions. Thus, it is important to decompress. Decompressing means that you release the tensions inside you and relax. Sports can be a good way to release tension. Take a pillow and shout into it (this saves your neighbours the noise). Buy a punching bag and hit it. Singing is also a great way to release tension and it relaxes the body activating your parasympathetic nervous system. Maybe taking a warm bath at home is the way. It is important to make sure that you activate the parasympathetic nervous system as much as possible. At work or in the environment that triggers you, try to take regular breaks. Remove yourself from the environment. Go for a walk. Do a few breathing exercises. Deeps breaths also relax us and get the much-needed oxygen into our bodies. When we are scared, our breathing becomes shallow.
Often, we are very angry about things we cannot control. A stoic exercise helps, where you meditate and remind yourself of what you can control. The only thing you can control is what you do and think. You are in control of yourself only, ultimately only of your decisions. So, in any given situation think about what you can do to improve the situation for yourself. Sometimes there is nothing you can do. When we cannot improve a situation, we need to learn to accept the situation as it is. If you cannot accept it and you know it will be your demise, then you need to step away from it. If you are not able to change the environment in your family for example and you know you will not be able to accept it, the only course of action is for you to step away. And if this means leaving riches behind, then so be it, for you only have one life, one body, one mind.
Much of the tension inside of us comes from the way we treat and speak with ourselves. Many of us have learnt as children to be very hard with ourselves. We have very high-performance expectations of ourselves. One exercise has helped me enormously. When facing any given situation, ask yourself: Is it my fault? Is it my responsibility to fix it? Is it my problem? We encounter many problems in our lives, which are not our fault, nor our responsibility to fix. In this situation, you can decide to fix it, because it is a problem for you. But you will know that it is not your responsibility to do so, nor your fault that there is a problem. This is increasingly important in a family and family business context. As a NextGen, you will have to face problems and fix them, although they are not your doing. Be mindful of this. You can only do your best at these and that is that.
We tend to add and add and add in our lives. We buy new things to add to our collection of possessions. We add on responsibilities increasing the weight on our shoulders. It is not opportune for you to keep adding. Try to subtract. Remove that project you don’t enjoy. Remove that responsibility you don’t want to have. Say no, a lot more no. We have a finite amount of energy and need to disperse it between the projects, people, and possessions we are responsible for. Do not underestimate the power of subtraction and the danger of adding. Every responsibility we have adds to the potential for conflict and tension in our lives.
When you experience a lot of tension it is easy to fall into a negative spiral. Life is terrible. Why me? Why can this not just stop? Life can be hard and cruel. Still, it is important to stay optimistic. And I do not mean that you need to be positive. It is fine to see things for what they are. Forcing yourself to see everything positive is a burden and can add to your tensions. Believe me, I have tried. What works better is to accept and look forward optimistically. You have more power to change things than you think. Also, life is a roller coaster, what has gone down will go up again. It is normal to have setbacks. Being pessimistic is a recipe for failure and internal tension. You will not take advantage of opportunities, because you think of all the ways you might fail. Think about it this way: There are 100 different possibilities of what might make you fail, but will all of these happen? No, there are probabilities of it, yes, but the likelihood of all is nearly zero. Don’t let things that have not even happened yet, determine your future. And who says you won’t be able to navigate things that might go wrong? Trust yourself. Keep a learning mindset. Every failure and every mistake is a gift for you to learn from and improve.
Now, you will encounter people with a lot of tension inside them. These tensions and emotions will be pushed onto you by them. Of course, if you can avoid such people that is all good, but will you really? In your job and your family, you sometimes need to deal with people who are having a bad time. Their emotions can be contagious, and you will walk out of a meeting feeling tense, angry or sad and you won’t know why. Because they are not your feelings. Try to protect yourself from taking feelings from other people. This is easier said than done of course and takes a lot of practice to achieve. According to Eckhart Tolle, you want to try and become like a deep lake, where ripples are only on the surface, but do not reach its depths. Hostile emotions can trigger us into freeze, flight and fight mode. Learn to get yourself out of that mode quickly. This is best done by activating our routine brain. Learn to make the trigger that takes you into 3F mode, trigger something else. I try to take deep breaths and count to three. One of my favourite tips from Eckhart Tolle is to wiggle your toes and focus on the feeling of it. You can do the same with your hands. For example, when they lie on a table in a discussion and you notice getting triggered, you can then focus on your palms feeling the table. Moving the hands slightly helps as well. Or place them on your trousers and feel the fabric. The fabric is here and now, and you focus on it.
REMINDER: The article is about managing yourself and your energy levels!
Personal Behaviour During Conflict
We have talked about tensions and how to deal with them. Now it is time to look at open conflict. Conflict can be just as exhaustive as tensions. Your behaviour in conflict can have a massive impact on the way a conflict develops and on how much energy you use for the conflict.
Managing Our Emotions in Conflict
A conflict can be perceived as a threatening situation by your body. This will propel you into freeze, fight and flight mode (3F). When 3F is active your body is in survival mode. One thing that stops working in this mode is our rational thinking. We will say and do things we will regret later. Especially in conflict with family, this becomes particularly relevant. Due to potential childhood trauma, certain behaviour of others can trigger you. This does not only happen with people from your family; it is just more likely with family members. The important thing here to remember is, that when confronted with conflict you will most likely enter 3F mode. Here it becomes critical, that you learn to identify yourself in this mode. You can listen to internal cues and external ones. When your heart rate goes up or you start to feel angry, even aggressive or scared you are in 3F mode. Or you can identify it through the reactions of others. Have you had situations where others tell you that you are behaving strangely or being aggressive? Well, in these cases you are most likely in 3F mode. Depending on your personal experiences and coping mechanisms, you will either:
freeze and not answer to anything, “accepting” the conflict and waiting for it to be over.
try to run away, anytime someone is trying to raise a conflict you bail.
fight. Anger and aggression are in charge of you, and you are prepared to deal some damage.
Once you can identify yourself being in this mode it is paramount that you find a way to get out of it. Asking yourself if you are in danger of losing your life. If not, then 3F mode is not needed. I have started to try and tell people, that I need a minute to calm down and will be right back on the topic. Taking some immediate distance is important for you to leave 3F mode. Usually, some alone time will do magic.
Remind yourself also that you are only in control of your own decisions. We covered this above with tensions and it applies just as much during any kind of conflict. The same is important for your critical thinking and problem-solving capacities. Get the question of who is at fault and whose responsibility it is out of the way quickly (for yourself). Trying to find who is to blame is usually counterproductive in a conflict. And if someone else does it, don’t engage in the question. It is pointless.
Another aspect to be aware of is that we show emotional reactions before we judge a situation. Your unconscious usually governs the emotions you feel, while judgment is done by the conscious mind. We observe something, then we show emotions, then we judge and then we intervene. Our judgement is usually biased as we are already emotional. This is crucial. Not only this, but we all have certain heuristics and biases through which we judge. These are coping mechanisms by the brain to streamline cognitive processes. By using biases and heuristics we can file information faster. This might save energy but will lead to inaccurate perceptions of situations. When in conflict it is thus a good idea to try and take the speed out of the situation.
Managing Our Energy in Conflict
Just as with tensions, it is likely that during a conflict you will build up energy inside yourself. Rarely you will come out of a discussion with someone feeling great. Either you are exhausted, or you are full of rage. Decompressing and recharging are important. Even more important is to prepare properly for a conflict.
You will encounter two situations with conflict. The easier one is that you go to a meeting, and you are aware that you will encounter a conflict. Be prepared for it. The better you prepare the easier it is to lead the discussion in a constructive direction. Prepare your goals for the meeting. Think about the other person’s goals and interests. The other situation you will find yourself in is a surprise conflict. You are suddenly in a conflict and were not expecting it. In this case, managing your energy becomes more difficult. You might be already low on energy at the end of the day. If you are low on energy, make it your mission to listen and take notes of what others say. Also, if the setting isn’t right, try to make the other parties aware that this is not the time and place. Try to set an appointment to discuss this in a better setting. Acknowledge that you hear the other person. Tell them you are not in the right frame of mind for this discussion. And then set another date to continue. Then you can prepare. Sometimes this is not possible, and you are stuck in a discussion. If you feel less energized, make sure to reach for some glucose to give yourself that little boost you need to get through it. But make sure that you eat some fat or fibres with the glucose, otherwise, the boost is short, and you crash after. Try not to drink alcohol or caffeine. They alter your mood and are probably not helpful.
Conflict and managing your emotions will require a lot of your willpower. At the end of the day, you will usually feel depleted. Therefore, conflict at home is often far worse than at work. And when you experience a lot of conflict at work, you will have more conflict at home. You just do not have the nerve for it anymore to speak. As your own boss, you can set aside time during the day to deal with family matters and I suggest you do that. If you do not have this luxury, then you must make sure to manage your willpower during the day. There are many methods for this. I shared some here. In short, each decision you make requires willpower. Try to automate decisions and use habits to reduce the strain on your willpower. Do things like set aside the clothes you will wear the next day before going to bed. Have routines. Delegate responsibilities. The better your willpower hygiene, the better equipped you will be for any conflict that arises.
Productive Behaviour in a Conflict
You can alter how the conflict develops by making sure you behave productively in a conflict. Stay calm and do not let the rage of others contagion you. Make sure you stay with yourself and stay in the present moment with your thoughts.
It is important that you listen to the other people in a conflict. Take notes if you can. Make it your goal to understand where the others are coming from. Defending yourself and your boundaries is second to that. That does not mean it is unimportant. But it will not help you reach a solution if you prioritize it. Make sure you accept and acknowledge the other person’s perspective and concerns. This does not mean you have to agree with it. Be empathetic, not sympathetic.
It is important that you try not to hurt the other person. A loss is perceived twice as negatively as a win is perceived positively. Now when it comes to close relationships this ratio is 5:1 instead of 2:1. For every negative interaction, you need to make up with five positive ones. My advice is to try to mitigate the negative ones, rather than trying to make up for them every time.
A small but powerful way to keep the conversation going and turn it a little bit positive is to make jokes. Now it is crucial that you do not try to be funny purposefully. A bad joke can make everything go awry. Stay away from any type of joke that is controversial. Classics here would be racist or sexist jokes. Do not go there, ever. Generally, try to stay upbeat and not take yourself overly seriously. The challenge is to take the conversation and the concerns of the other party seriously while taking yourself not too seriously. By lightening the mood, you can cause the other person to leave their 3F response and activate their parasympathetic nervous system instead. This is about creating a safe space to voice concerns and be taken seriously.
Try to always question your perceptions. Each of us has biases (there are tons of them) and filters through which we hear and see the world. This is a way our brain makes complex things better processable for itself. By applying biases the time and energy that the brain needs to understand something is reduced. This is a great survival mechanism, but not so great for complex problem-solving. This is also why taking notes of what is being said is important, so you can look past your own biases. At the same time remember the other person has biases as well. When they react in a certain way to something you say, keep that in mind and stay calm. Sometimes you need to repeat yourself several times in different ways. We all want to be understood. However, that is not helpful. It is your responsibility to make sure the other person understands you. This can mean repeating and repeating and repeating till you find a way to get the message across. Yes, it is tedious but incredibly important.
Remember that a conflict is important to have, in order to find a solution to a problem. Keep steering the discussion into finding a solution. Whenever people start digging into the past, acknowledge it, and say sorry if appropriate (without overstepping your boundary). Finding who is to blame is usually not helpful at all. So, keep going. How do we make it work? How shall we proceed in the future? What can we do right now, to improve the situation? What is it that you need to make this work? And so on. Use questions as much as possible. They are a great and subtle way to steer the conversation.
Rethink your position. Is the position you take up in the conflict a good way to have your interests satisfied? What are your interests really? Usually, the position we hold is not helpful. The same applies to others. Be vulnerable by sharing your actual interests, this way you might get others to share theirs. And if they don’t, at least you made sure they are aware of yours. How will anyone know the interests of others if they have not been told? Sometimes the right way is to rethink your interests also. A classic example would be that your real interest lies in your parents showing you love. Usually, that interest comes from not having received enough as a child. Is expecting love as an adult the right way? I have had to ask myself often if what I am interested in receiving is realistic. Some tensions and disputes are pointless. You need to redefine the relationship and see what works appropriately.
