Turning Your Family Conflict into Opportunity - Why Emotional Stability Protects Your Wealth

1 Jun

Families are full of conflict. The secret ingredient to family business success is productive conflict. We can turn conflict into an opportunity with the right mindset and processes. Conflict, however, is a double-edged sword. While it is a key ingredient for success it is also the number one reason for wealth loss. The higher the emotional stability in a family, the better their handling of conflict. Think about your own family and how you deal with conflict. Is it productive or is it destructive? In my family so far, we have not been very good at dealing with conflict. We tend to not speak about it. Something I am trying to change. I suggest you also go on a quest of making conflict more productive. It will reduce pain and help you to be your authentic self. And it will decrease the inner tensions you feel and make life more joyful. We never know what might come out of a properly addressed conflict.

What Is a Conflict?

As with any challenge, awareness is the first step to navigating the challenge. Therefore, we need to understand if there are different kinds of conflict. Does conflict happen at different levels? How is a conflict caused? From the Cambridge Dictionary, we can define conflict as “an active disagreement between people with opposing opinions or principles”.

Definition Cambridge Dictionary:
“an active disagreement between people with opposing opinions or principles.”

Conflict can be functional (constructive) or dysfunctional (destructive). Thus, it lies within the participants to “chose” which kind of dispute they want to have. Before we cover the differences between constructive and destructive conflict, we will boil conflict down to its roots.

Levels of Conflict

To be able to get to the root causes of a quarrel we need to define the levels at which conflict can take place. A conflict has several levels, intrapersonal conflict, interpersonal conflict, intergroup conflict, inter-organizational conflict, and international conflict. These are layers in the mentioned order. Each conflict happens at a different level within a family organization.

Intrapersonal conflict: Here we have a conflict with ourselves. There are different kinds of intrapersonal conflict. We can have an approach-approach conflict, where we have two equally good options and cannot choose which. Then there is the avoidance-avoidance conflict, where we have two equally bad options. And finally, there is the approach-avoidance conflict, where we are attracted and repelled at the same time by an option. Of course, all of these can be the case for multiple options.

Approach-Approach conflict — Approach-approach conflict

Interpersonal conflict: This is a conflict between individuals. Two or more people cannot agree on something. The classic example is that two siblings have a green and a red apple to choose from and both want the red apple. Then we have an interpersonal conflict about who gets the red apple. These conflicts can get highly emotional, especially in a family setting. Sometimes people will identify themselves and all their being with the position they have taken. In these cases, it becomes very difficult to distinguish between the person and the position.

Intergroup conflict: The third level is a conflict between groups. In larger families, this can be between family lines. Generally, it is often seen between generations. In companies, it is usually between departments. As many families own businesses these group conflicts cannot only happen in the family but also within the businesses they own. It is not uncommon, that there are investors in businesses. A family has not only got to deal with intergroup conflict within the family but also within their business operations.

Interorganizational conflict: The last level of conflict would be a conflict between organisations. Say between two companies within the same industry. Or two families within the same industry. Seen from the family perspective these conflicts are external. These conflicts are quite often also a family topic and can cause interpersonal and intergroup conflict - different opinions on how to handle an interorganizational conflict.

International conflict: This is where whole nations have a conflict with each other. We currently have the Russia and Ukraine conflict as an example of this. Unless a family has massive political influence there is little they can do to aid in conflict resolution. However, international conflict can cause conflict within the family. Staying with the Russian and Ukraine example. We can have a family member supporting Ukraine and another supporting Russia. Now we have an interesting dinner conversation, which is bound to explode.

Types of Conflict

The root of conflict can be grouped into different types. Conflict can come in two basic forms, substantive or emotional. They are distinctively different. Substantive disputes are in my experience easier to handle as they can be worked through using logic. Emotional disputes can defy logic on the surface and will need much deeper analysis and discussion to resolve. We can further put conflict into four different subgroups:

Goal conflict is caused when people desire different outcomes. These people will clash over which goal should be pursued. For example, the patriarch wants to preserve the status quo and the next generation wants to change things.

Behavioural conflict is caused by the behaviour of a person or a group. Usually, certain behaviour is seen as unacceptable. This can be how people talk to each other or maybe by someone not adhering to a dress code. For example, the family gathers every Sunday for a family lunch and one family member does not adhere to the dress code and comes late or not at all repeatedly.

Affective conflict is generally caused by emotions. This is a type very often seen in families as there can be all kinds of emotional blockages. Childhood trauma is a typical stressor here as can be other kinds of emotions. Sometimes one sibling gets treated in favour of another, or the sibling perceives it this way.

Cognitive conflict results from a conflict in values. A person or group is of a different opinion on what is important and what should be valued. This type of conflict is also seen in families when for example a family member, likely the Next Gen, has conflicting values with the family values. A common theme these days is the topic of sustainability. The next gens might see this as a crucial value, while the controlling gen sees it as unimportant.

On top of those four types, we can discern further between two overarching types of conflict. We can have conscious and unconscious conflicts. This is especially important in intrapersonal conflicts but also applies to other conflicts. Conscious conflict is the easier conflict to deal with, as we are aware of the conflict. This does not mean the conflict is outspoken, however, the actors in the conflict know about the conflict’s existence. In unconscious conflict, the conflict takes place at an unaware level. Looking at intrapersonal conflict this means that for example you cannot choose between two options, but do not realise this deep down. Usually, then the conflict carries on and we avoid making decisions in this respect.

Frustration and Triggers of Conflict

In general terms, a conflict has its roots in frustration of some kind. Before a conflict is triggered a frustration is formed. Frustrations can lie deep down in our psyche. Thus, frustration can be formed unconsciously and exist in our subconscious mind for a while. If frustration is not addressed, then tensions form. These tensions will not go away by themselves, rather they will grow.

Frustration can have external causes; these are generally outside our control. These may be actions from other individuals or environmental situations when your family disregards your wish for some private alone time or when you are frustrated due to the current economic climate. Frustration can also be formed internally and usually this involves a divergence in choices. These frustrations are usually within our control, as it is within our power to make choices. We sometimes might not have good options, but we can decide which one we rather pick.

Generally, frustration is formed in individuals, however, if several people in a group suffer from the same or very similar frustration, we can see it as group frustration. This can be within a part of the family, your employees, certain departments etc.

Any event that causes frustration can be defined as a reason for a conflict. Often, however, the trigger that caused a conflict is not necessarily the reason for frustration. This makes conflict more complicated than we think. If we do something that sets a person off, we normally assume that this certain action is the reason for the conflict. Rarely this is the case, however.

The events initiating frustration and leading to a conflict are endless and are highly individual to individuals, groups, families, or companies. However, by zooming out we can determine some typical culprits in general terms. In business families the array of potential triggers becomes much larger as the conflicts can have their source in the business or the family and can encompass both systems.

Typical events that can trigger a conflict, but are not necessarily the reason for the frustration:

Succession of leadership
Transfer of ownership
Spouses
Death in the family
External crisis
Adjusting visions
Cultural/social changes
The behaviour of a family member

Some of the triggers mentioned above can also be reasons for frustration in family members. Other reasons for frustration are:

Childhood trauma and trauma in general
Diverging values
Generational differences
Family engagement in the business
Gender treatment
Toxic dynamics (lying entitlement etc.)
Dependence on the common resource pool
Lack of performance standards
Lack of communication
Birth of a child

The Dangers of Sustained Conflict Within a Business Family

Conflict can cause a wide host of damages to the family. Not only will relationships within the family suffer from sustained conflict, but other forms of capital will be lost also. The family’s social capital and reputation can go down the drain. Conflict can lead to the family’s financial wealth being lost and it is the biggest reason for wealth loss in families. Conflict will also lead to a loss of intellectual capital. A family’s values will be tested by conflict and sustained conflict can destroy a family’s value system. Conflict directly impacts a family’s knowledge transfer. We as a family have experienced all of these from conflict. Managers spend up to 40% of their work time on managing conflict. Studies have also shown that the more time family members spend at work, the more conflict they have at home. In short, a family’s legacy is put at risk due to sustained conflict.

Decline in Health

Sustained conflict and tensions will always impact the family’s emotional stability. When we are in conflict it becomes hard to focus on other things. Conflict will put us into fight and flight mode and thus activate our sympathetic nervous system. The implications are massive and the long-lasting impact on the individual family members can be fatal.

Individual mental health will suffer greatly. Sustained conflict can lead to drug abuse and suicidal thoughts. Decision-making becomes difficult, especially making any good decisions. Individual and group productivity will drop, especially our creative output. Family members will find themselves in an environment of low psychological safety. Sustained conflict can foster mistrust. As mentioned earlier managers spend a lot of time managing conflict at work. In a family business, there is a big chance that some family members have management positions. So, adding to the conflict they deal with at work comes the inter-family conflict.

Damage to the emotional well-being of family members will lead to worse physical health. It is well known by now that depression causes digestive issues, increases inflammation in the body and leads to a faster decay of physical health. Unhappy people are more prone to Alzheimer’s disease for example. When our sympathetic nervous system is active, anything not needed for immediate survival is turned down. Digestion, the immune system, parts of the brain etc.

Damage to the emotional capital of the family then leads to the loss of relationships between family members.

Loss of Relationships

In my opinion, the damage to relationships is the most painful of all losses that a sustained conflict can produce. Especially the damage that is done to the relationships between family members.

One of the advantages of a business family or family business to any other business is the relationships. Every family member can bring something to the table to aid the common goal. They do not have to have an operational role or even an ownership position. Every member no matter what industry they are in and what they do is a possible resource for the family ventures. Also, in a healthy family, the level of trust between family members is very high. The higher the trust level the faster an organization can move. Sustained conflict can diminish all of these.

Sadly, the same reasons why a family venture is potentially stronger than other ventures, are also often their downfall. With closer relationships come expectations and emotions. Especially in a family, these build up from when we are still in the mother’s womb to when we become adults. Essentially, I believe there is more potential for conflict in a family business than in others. Handled well it is a resource.

As we can see in the figure above a typical conflict will build up in intensity. If the conflict is handled productively, we will not need to invest a lot of time into peacebuilding and the stalemate phase hopefully does not bring any hurt with it. However, usually, in a conflict, things are said and done that are more often than not regretted afterwards. When we let our unconscious run rampant in a conflict the outcomes are usually not desirable.

Why is conflict so damaging to relationships? There is a simple explanation for this. In behavioural science, it is well known that a loss is perceived twice as strongly as a gain. For you to “repair” a loss of one Euro you need to gain two Euros. Mathematically we know that is not equal to zero but plus one. However emotionally it is. Now studies have shown that in a relationship the ratio is not 1:2 but 1:5! According to Dr Gottman, a successful marriage must have at least 5 positive interactions for each negative one. For any critical comment a person makes, they need to make five compliments to equal this out. This ratio is of great importance for anyone trying to have difficult conversations with family. In a destructive conflict with a person, we have some sort of relationship with - be it family, friend or romantic, a lot is said and done that is perceived negatively. Thus, the relationship suffers greatly.

Sustained family conflict cannot only damage the relationships within the family but also outside of the family; be it employees, friends, mentors, consultants etc.

Reputational Damage

One of the most important resources a family has is its reputation, which often has been built up over generations. Particularly in business, many deals are done based on trust. One of the most important factors to establish trust in a deal is the parties’ trust in each other. If your reputation outshines you, you are more likely to have an easy time doing business. This also goes into the private lives of the family members. With a good reputation to your name, people will be more open to share with you. A typical example is when a family member is trying to be accepted into some kind of club or even an educational program. Not only your reputation is of paramount importance here, but also the reputation of your family. If the family has a bad reputation, it will be so much harder for any family member, even if their personal reputation is good.

A family can lose their wealth several times over their extended history. As long as their reputation remains intact, they will be able to bounce back from it. The more of a family’s wealth pillars are damaged the harder it gets.

Loss of Financial Wealth

This is a given with any kind of conflict. Financial wealth is often lost due to disputes. If disputes are maintained over an extended period of time, not addressed at all, or addressed unproductively, the likelihood of wealth loss increases.

Some may argue that as long as the business of the family is healthy, the family will stay healthy financially. I beg to differ. Even if a family member is not involved with the business directly, it can affect the financial health of the family. A family may constantly be engulfed in internal legal battles. A family may have high spending due to members’ mental health issues stemming from unproductive conflict, even drug abuse at that. There are many famous cases where inter-family conflict has led to financial losses. Some of the most prominent cases are the Gucci family, the Gallo wine family, the Pritzker family, and the Dassler Brothers (Adidas and Puma).

Over 80% of wealth loss is attributed to factors in the family according to Vic Preisser. 60% of the time a family loses their wealth the reason for it has been attributed to a “breakdown of communication and trust”. Sustained conflict will result in precisely this breakdown.

Loss of Knowledge

The intellectual wealth of a family is often something that is overlooked. I rarely see this addressed as an issue. A loss in knowledge is often the result of destructive conflict. I can sing you a song about this one. If you have a conflict with the previous generation the knowledge transfer is affected greatly. The same happens within an organization. When new organization members come in and a dispute is brought up with the present members, the transfer of knowledge is impacted negatively. While productive conflict can enhance knowledge transfer and create innovative uses, destructive conflict will put an end to transfers.

I regularly discover knowledge that is present in the family, and I had no clue about it. Either because conflict preceding my time buried it, or conflict I have been involved in myself killing the transfer. A loss in knowledge will lead to a loss in wealth. Mistakes are repeated unnecessarily. Imagine having a conflict with your father over something and the discussion is not going anywhere. How do you think your father will act concerning sharing knowledge with you? And how do you think you will act concerning listening to any shared knowledge? Well from my personal experience it will go like this: your father will stop sharing knowledge and you will stop listening also.

Destruction of The Business Family’s Value System

A business family arching over a few generations will usually have a certain value system they operate by. This system has been built over generations and will be refined with each generation going forward. A family’s value system is the basis for its business conduct and reputation. It can be seen as a rule set for each member to adhere to.

Principles the family lives by are tested in conflict. Heated conflict can tempt members into conspiring against other family members. Secrecy can become part of the family’s behaviour. Worse if a conflict is quenched by an iron fist of the patriarch or matriarch. Sustained destructive conflict can put members into positions where they don’t see a way out, or they simply do not care any longer. There comes a point where we put our well-being before that of the family. Once this tipping point is reached things become dangerous. Once members start to focus primarily on their own goals, this will come at the cost of family values and unity. Often it is the value system that keeps the family together. Once the value system breaks the family will lack the social glue to keep it together. Thus, often the financial wealth becomes a replacement for keeping the family together.

The 5 Pillars of Family Legacy

In the end, all the pillars of a family legacy are intertwined and the loss in one can lead to a loss in the other pillars. The less stable the family system the easier it is for a loss in one pillar to disperse into other pillars. At the core sit the family value system. Once this breaks down the family is at great risk of losing everything.

How to Create Opportunities Out of Conflict

The key to conflict is to turn conflict into a win-win situation. To frame it positively, disagreement by itself is not negative. What is often tried though is to just end the conflict, which is not enough.

For a family to be truly successful, it does not want to reduce discord, it wants to use the tensions from disagreement for innovation. In the diagram below, we can see the relationship between conflict on the vertical axis and performance (outcomes) on the horizontal axis. Too much conflict damages performance and so does too little. While an all-out war destroys performance the same applies to unaddressed tensions that eat people up from the inside.

The relationship between conflict intensity and outcomes

What Opportunities Can Arise From a Conflict?

With a shift in mindset and perceiving conflict as something positive, we can garner the opportunities it creates.

Usually, when we have a dispute between people it comes down to differing perspectives and differing expectations. We know that diversity in thought increases creativity and increases system stability. Especially when different thoughts are accepted and incorporated. Conflict creates constraints, which are needed for innovation. The most innovative solutions will come out of scenarios with constraints.

Another opportunity that comes from conflict is that it brings problems to the surface. While tensions are below the surface and create pressure on individuals in an unhealthy manner, open arguments can be addressed and worked through. An open conflict is much better than unspoken tension.

Moreover, conflict is a cause to rethink. Rethinking is a powerful mindset as Adam Grant states in his latest book. Pivoting is crucial in business and can be just as important in families. We tend to stick with the old too long. Conflict brings new information to the table. Way too often family members or employees discover new information which should have a place at the table. Due to the information not supporting the current strategy or goals they shy away from doing so. Either the information will never be disclosed, or they will have too much tension at some point and put it out there. Therefore, conflict can cause us to rethink family rules, rethink and adapt values we hold, rethink business practices and so on. Without conflict, we would most likely stick to doing the same thing repeatedly and become obsolete in doing so. What might have served us last year, may not serve us any longer.

Productive conflict can strengthen the bonds between family members. Solving a problem together improves the relationship, as we work on something together. Especially if we were of differing opinions, to begin with. We learn that our opinions do not define us and that win-win solutions are possible. Too often conflict is solved unproductively, and we come out with win-lose or lose-lose solutions; a compromise where no one walks away satisfied.

What Can Outside Help Bring to the Table?

I am a big fan of getting outside help. Especially when the people in conflict with each other have hunkered down in their positions.

Often an outsider can facilitate communication. In destructive conflict there usually comes a point where communication breaks down. At this point, it will be either one party to work on themselves and take a step towards rebuilding communication. Or we will need a third party to build a bridge to reenable communications.

Outsiders can also bring new perspectives to the table. Best practices can get introduced. A family can be shown how other families deal with conflict. Often destructive conflict has a long-standing tradition in some families. Only by showing them that this is not necessarily the way forward, can this cycle be broken. Here it is often useful to bring in family members of other families who have mastered the art of productive conflict. This is especially helpful if family members tend to not take mediation or coaching seriously. Sadly, many professions are still stigmatised heavily in families.

Many family conflicts have underlying psychological dynamics. Here professional help can do wonders, albeit this takes years of hard work. However, the work is worth doing. Coaches and therapists can work with individuals or the family in a group. With this outside help, the family can then start to explore their dynamics such as individual traumas and generational traumas for example. Once the family understands these dynamics better, it becomes much easier to have productive conflict and grow together.

How to Use Communication Tactics and Processes for Productive Conflict

In order to have a productive conflict, communication is key. The way we communicate is learnt by us in the first seven years of our lives. Essentially, we copy our parents and family. When the family is lacking in communication skills so will we, unless we have worked hard to improve them. In my journey to improve my lacking communication, I have come across a few communication tactics which I have found incredibly helpful.

Active listening

It all starts with active listening and humble enquiry. Far too often we jump to conclusions and are too focused on bringing our point across. It is much more important to listen. Listening is hard work. Even though I know how important it is, I still fall into the trap of focusing on what I want to bring across. Especially when it gets emotional and discussions with family usually are emotional ones.

When listening it is important to understand the ORJI cycle. We tend to judge what someone has said before we have processed the information that has been delivered. We all have different filters, namely our biases with which we filter information. Thus, the most important part of listening is the questions we ask.

By asking questions we signal the other person that we are listening. Be aware though, that simply replying with what has been said in a form of a question (as is taught in many sales courses for example) is not enough. This approach is a good start, but it will only get you so far.

Talk Lean

A great method that I had the pleasure of learning is the “Talk Lean” method developed by a French company called Interactifs and written about by Alan H. Palmer in his book “Talk Lean”. I can only highly recommend reading this book or taking one of the courses they offer. It has helped me a great deal.

We go into meetings unprepared way too often. This might be OK for an unimportant meeting. But when we have a conflict at hand that needs to be solved, I would rate it as important. By preparing what you want to say and setting a goal for the meeting, you gain a lot of ground already.

On top of that, taking notes in meetings is important. Not in the sense that you want to write down minutes for later use but notes to use in the meeting. You can write down things you notice, like certain tones that are being used. When a person uses vague sentences to try and hint at something. This way we can aim questions at our counterpart and try to form the questions into a solution-orientated direction. The question “why” is overused and often not of importance. What is more important is the “How”. How do we find an agreement? What will it take for you to agree?

The “Talk Lean”-method leverages not only active listening and goal setting for a meeting but also what is taught in the Harvard Negotiations Project; to look behind people’s positions and find their interests. Especially in conflict, we tend to hide behind a position, and most times these positions do not serve us. Often, we do not feel comfortable communicating our interests, due to fear of them being exploited. By clearly communicating our interests and our feelings at the start of a meeting, the other party can feel comfortable to also open up. How should the other party know our interests if we do not communicate them? By stating our goal for the meeting, we can make sure that there is more focus on what we look to achieve.

“Talk lean”-method in steps

This is necessarily a simplified overview, but the first step is to plan your way into the conversation. Prepareyour start to the meeting in this order:

What is my objective for the meeting? Specifically, what do I want the other person to say or do by the end of the meeting, or what do I want us to have produced together by the end of the meeting?
What have I done to prepare? Without explanations, list the preparations you have done which make it reasonable for you to suppose you can achieve your objective. This can be thinking, reading, or any concrete prep like an action plan.
What is your state of mind about having the meeting and announcing your chosen objective? Let the other person know how you feel.

When you actually start the meeting, use the opposite order: here’s how I feel, this is what I’ve done, this is what I want.

Once the conversation is started remember to take notes, something which will greatly improve your listening and your ability to retain what has been said and then make use of it. That is essentially Step 2.

The next important part of the “Talk lean”-method (step 3) is the listening tool kit. This proposes three possible paths to pursue when responding during the conversation, paths which will help to remove ambiguity, get the unsaid said, find solutions, take positions, define next steps and greatly increase the productivity of the exchange:

Him/her (past) - comprehension:
Here you try to understand the other person’s position and intentions. You also try to clarify anything that has been said which is unclear to you. Use phrases like “What do you mean by…?” “Tell me more about …” or “What makes you say…?”.
Me (present) - transparency:
Here you try to express what you understand, how you feel, and what you want or need. Here you use phrases like: “Listening to you, I get the feeling that…”, “From what you have just said, I get the impression that…” “I need…”
Us (future) - production:
Here you try to get into a solution mindset. And you enlist help from the other person in identifying solutions. With phrases like “What do I need to do in order for you to…?” “Where do we go from here?” “If I…, what will you do?”

It is important to remove the ‘unsaid’ elements which pollute most meetings, to communicate exactly what’s happening in your head and to encourage and enable the other person to tell you exactly what’s happening in their head. Real power comes from focusing on the future and the way forward. The past is the past. Especially in a family context, we can only change how to approach the future together.

Appreciation – Desire – Solution Method

Especially in a conflict situation, more so in a family setting, we will feel a strong pressure inside of us to set our boundaries. This is important! And what is even more important is the way we do this. Far too often we misunderstand conflict mitigation as not saying anything. We swallow down the bullet and learn to deal with it. There is a simple way of communicating your boundary and making sure you get the setting for a conflict right.

The start of a conflict can set the tone for the whole duration. I would say you can save yourself 50% of the work by getting the start right. So instead of emotionally blurting out our position and defence, we should counterintuitively start by appreciating the other person. Once we have said some words of appreciation, we can then communicate our desires and wishes. And to make sure the discussion is steered towards a solution-orientated mindset, we then follow up with a first proposed solution to the dispute or how to further proceed.

This will not always work, yet I promise, you will be surprised how often it does work and how much energy you will save in the long run.

How to Use Innovation Tools for Productive Conflict

As mentioned earlier conflict has the opportunity of creating innovations, as it creates constraints. Thus, many innovation tools can be applied to solving a conflict. The conflict itself can be treated as a problem that needs to be solved. The interests of the parties are essentially your specification points that need to be satisfied for a successful solution. Below I will explain some methods, that I have managed to apply successfully to inter-family conflict.

Setting up the discussion

One of the first things we can learn from Designers/Innovators is how we set up the discussion. In general terms, the way we are positioned – the way we sit, for example, can have a huge impact on the conversation. By sitting opposite each other we reinforce the notion that we are in conflict and on opposite sides. For difficult discussions, you should try to sit next to each other and face the same direction, to reinforce the mindset that you are trying to solve a problem together.

To strengthen the narrative, it is also helpful to have a whiteboard or flip chart or a piece of paper that you both or all, depending on the number of participants, face. On there you write down the goal of the conversation or you write out the conflict. This way the piece of paper becomes the problem, and you can thus remove the conflict from the personas. This is very helpful in emotional topics.

If you do not have these things at hand and especially if one party of the conflict is more extroverted and the other is more introverted, it is helpful to discuss the issue while you are walking. Walking meetings are usually shorter, less exhausting, and more creative than seated meetings.

Brain Writing

Especially if the family has a bad communication culture it can be helpful to use writing as a communication medium. No, not Email or WhatsApp. Paper and pen ideally.

To formulate the conflict properly each party grabs a piece of paper and writes their position/interests on the paper. This can be helpful in strongly patriarchal structures. This way the weaker party gets a chance to fully articulate their perspectives in peace. It can be used repeatedly, especially when it comes to the part of thinking of solutions.

If a person in the family has narcissistic tendencies this method can have quite a bit of merit. It robs them of the opportunity to make everything about themselves. At least during the part where people are writing down their thoughts, issues, and solution proposals.

Also, when it comes to making a decision, asking each participant to write down their decision first before saying it out loud is helpful to make sure no people-pleasing is taking place.

Six Thinking Hats

This approach was created by Edward de Bono. When approaching a problem there are different modes of thinking to approach a problem by. Sadly, they are not compatible with each other and can “kill off” each other. For example, criticism is known to destroy the creative thinking process. If anyone has an idea and you judge and criticise the idea immediately the ideator will close down and refrain from bringing up more ideas.

In the thinking hat method, the group is “told” which hat they are wearing at the minute. There are a total of six different hats. Especially in a family where boundaries are generally not well respected, this process can lead to some kind of ruleset to moderate the discussion.

With the six thinking hats you can lead your family through the conflict process and increase the probability of coming out of it with an improvement of the situation.

The Six Thinking hats adapted from onedaydesignchallenge.net

Subtraction

Often the solution is simpler than expected. In innovation, an important question is always what can be subtracted? In many cases, a conflict is started by something that is not essential. When a conflict is revolving around a certain rule or a certain item, you can start by asking if the item is still necessary. If the answer is no, you can raise the solution of just cutting it out. In my experience, this is more often a valid solution than we would credit it. If the answer is that the item is necessary, you are back to square one. The option has been explored though.

Eagle Eye View

Ask the participants in a conflict to look at the dispute from a third-person view. By distancing themselves from the conflict they can become calmer and more neutral. Ask them to describe what is going on. Often this is already enough for them to see where the problem lies. Or to see that their behaviour in the conflict is not productive.

In the next step, you should ask the participants, what they would advise a friend to do in this situation. By asking this question you can move the dispute even further away from them. It becomes the problem of a friend, and they take the advisor’s position.

Alter Your Family Structures and Rules for Productive Conflict

As a family there are all kinds of rules and structures you can introduce. Some of which can hamper conflict, which is not ideal. Some can make conflict more intense, which is also not ideal. What you want to try and get is rules and structures, which enhance conflict resolution. More than just resolution, you want them to aid the creation of opportunities from conflict. The creative process needs constraints, and these rules and regulations can create the needed constraints. But by overregulation, you can kill the creative process.

There is a whole bunch of literature on family governance using committees, family constitutions and hierarchies to regulate the family and preserve its wealth. In my opinion, the focus often lies too much on wealth preservation and less on the creation of wealth. Often the family focuses on managing their dysfunctions rather than trying to work on getting rid of them. Let’s start by listing some criteria that are important for rules and regulations surrounding conflict:

Starting a conflict needs to be easy. Tensions are worse than conflict. Get the conflict out there. Especially when family members are at different hierarchical levels.

Each party to a conflict needs to have ample opportunity to explain their perspective. Keep in mind that some members are introverted, and some are extroverted.

Each party needs to be heard and their desires are taken seriously. Again, keep in mind that not everyone is the same and your process should account for that.

Neutral ground and a neutral mediator are essential. Nothing is worse than having someone not seen as neutral by both parties try to mediate or “rule” over their conflict. The grandfather might be the right person or not. This is individual for each family. Although I highly suggest integrating a third party.

It is difficult to get the balance between individualism and collectivism right. Many conflicts in a family will arise due to a conflict between individualistic thinking and collectivistic thinking.

Keep the conflict in a structured process to make sure it does not escalate.

Make sure your rules focus on problem-solving and finding a good solution, rather than a compromise. In a compromise, you usually have two unhappy parties at the end and the conflict is smothered, till it can come back later.

With all the rules above, there are 2 important typical dysfunctions in families to keep in mind. Some of your family members might have narcissistic tendencies while others are more on the people’s pleasure side of the spectrum. While one will be very happy to state anything they are unhappy with, the other will rather stay quiet.

The below graphic shows the issue quite well. While a people pleaser is unassertive and cooperative, the person with a narcissistic tendency is assertive and uncooperative. In an ideal scenario you want to try to get both sides of a conflict to be cooperative and assertive, only then can an opportunity be created. The best-case scenario otherwise is a compromise.

Approaches to conflict resolution (Adapted from Kenneth Thomas, “Conflict and Conflict Management”, in M.D. Dunnette (ed.), Handbook of Industrial and Organizational Behavior)

The Talk Lean MethodConflict ManagementThe 5 Pillars of Family LegacySix Thinking Hats

Octavian Pilati