Empowering Families: Navigating the Emotional Maze of Justice, Fairness, and Equality
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Is being treated equally the same as being treated fairly? A question hovering over every family like the sword of Damocles. Even though this question is dangerous territory, it should be and needs to be asked. How a family will answer this question is key. Only then can a family work on their definition of fairness and equality. And only then can they mitigate the potential chaos that can ensue around this topic. A vital exercise, even more so, when there is a great amount of wealth at stake. Or let’s say due to a great amount of wealth the interest in answering this question is higher.
In the article, we shall discuss what these terms mean, how a family can handle discussions around the topic and if there is a way to measure them.
Defining Fairness and Equality
Before we can even start a discussion on this topic it is important to define the two words. Intuitively we all know what they mean, right? But can you put it in words? Can you write down a clear definition, so that everyone is on the same page? Fret not if you can’t, we will attempt to do so in this paragraph. Before we go into an ethical or legal discussion on the terminology I like to consult an English dictionary for the basics:
Fairness: impartial and just treatment or behaviour without favouritism or discrimination.
Equality: the state of being equal, especially in status, rights, or opportunities.
These two terms tend to be used synonymously, but in essence, they mean different things. To be treated equally does not necessarily mean you are being treated fairly. And being treated fairly does not mean you are being treated equally. So, what is the difference between the two words?
Difference between Fairness and Equality: Fairness means treating people according to their needs. This does not always mean it will be equal. Equality means treating everyone exactly the same.
We can surmise that fairness is a more relative term, while equality is an absolute term. Let’s try to use an example to explain this. You have two children; one suffers from Down syndrome, and one does not. Treating them equally would mean that each receives the same amount of time from you, the same amount of care, the same amount of opportunity and subsequently the same inheritance. Now, would that be fair? Their situations are very different and the type of care they need is very different. Each of them will require different opportunities. And who needs more or should receive more of the family’s wealth? Picking an example where a child is being born very differently than the other is easy. Now imagine several siblings, their different characters, different interests, different dreams etc. This is where it gets difficult to treat them fairly.
Differing Perspectives
As we saw in the definition of fair and equal, one is relative, and the other is absolute. So relative to what? Relative to each person’s perspective. If you have four people in a room, you will have four opinions on what is fair. Each person will look at the situation from their position and through their lens applying their personal filter. People’s upbringing, characters, experiences, values, environment, biases and a lot of other things play into their perspective.
Even though equality is an absolute concept, is it absolute? Or maybe it is also a relative concept. In mathematical terms, equality is simple and indisputable. One equals one, two equals two, and so on. This we can translate to financial terms; one dollar equals one dollar. If I have two dollars and two children, each needs to receive one dollar. This is all good and easy for liquid and easily valuated assets. Once illiquid assets come into play, things get more complex and what is equal becomes relative to opinions and perspectives.
Have the children been treated equally or fairly throughout their lives? No matter how hard you have tried, the answer will be no to both questions. We are human and thus we will have made mistakes, we will have had favourites, we will have made unfair decisions and treated each child slightly differently. Particularly as we constantly need to make decisions without the full picture. Just imagine how often you have punished the wrong child for something. Might the older sibling have protected the younger from punishment by taking on the blame? There are many more questions that will pop up and I am sure you already have a few in your mind now. By being two parents with two children, there are four opinions on who was treated fairly and what equal or fair treatment should have looked like. And as life is not static, these opinions will change constantly with each new experience and with each new memory.
Charles Dickens
“In the little world in which children have their existence, whosoever brings them up, there is nothing so finely perceived and so finely felt as injustice.”
So, is there a correct definition of fair and equal treatment in a family? And whose opinion will be the correct one? I dare say there is not one correct definition and no one’s opinion will be correct. Neither the patriarch’s, matriarch’s, the children’s, nor the NextGen’s. This is an important philosophical aspect to keep in mind when this topic pops up. Not only is it important for setting the right tone. By keeping it in mind, it will help you to stay calm and collected throughout. It will help you receive emotional accusations (and this is the case for everyone involved), with a certain apathy.
Love
Now that we have covered definitions and perspectives, let’s get to the root of things, love. Love and the hidden discussion around equal and fair distribution thereof are the root causes of many disputes. Many families have a difficult time openly discussing this topic. People’s pride will stand in the way of voicing their feelings. And on top of that many may not be able to articulate their emotions into feelings. Now, you may think feelings and emotions are the same thing, but they are not.
A feeling is an emotion that we express and give meaning to. And this is something we learn or do not learn while growing up. And some people will be more accurate in naming their emotions and others less so. So once again, an emotion is a sensation in our body and a feeling is how we interpret said emotion. And we mostly learn how to interpret our emotions in early childhood by watching our caregivers. It is safe to say, if your caregivers are bad at it, so will you be, unless you put considerable amounts of work into this later in life. As a parent in the presence of your kids, you are constantly being observed, studied and imitated. Your children will be like a mirror image of yourself. Love is a fickle topic in business families particularly, due to how we learn to feel it and handle it. Often the parents are busy running the business or looking after the family’s assets and thus the offspring is neglected. Upbringing may be outsourced to additional caregivers.
Back to emotions and feelings before I get carried away. The concept of love is highly individualistic, due to how our understanding of it is formed. Every experience we have with loved ones will form and change it. So not only will each person have a different definition of what is fair or equal, but they will also have a differing understanding of what love is, how love is shown, how love is expressed and what is appropriate or not around the topic. The dynamic between people is going to deviate a fair bit. A person receiving love from another will have a different understanding of it than the emitter. This alone can lead to tension and unspoken conflict. One person may feel it’s appropriate to hug people they feel affection for, and others may view it as totally inappropriate.
As briefly mentioned, the dynamics around love are often warped and obnoxious in business families. Members may not show love to each other or do so in strange ways. Family members who step outside the family's bubble, might be shown different norms around love and bring those into family gatherings. Imagine a family that is not physical, so no hugging or kissing. One family member married into a family that is the opposite. Now think about a family gathering where this one member starts to behave differently and starts to hug everyone. I know you can feel it, right, totally awkward.
The described scene sets us up nicely for discussing what love is. How would you describe love? And can you? Do you need to? Are there different types of love? One of the reasons, in my opinion, why love is such a difficult topic is because we don’t talk about it properly. We don’t understand what it is and that there are different types of it. In classical Greece, they had six well-known definitions of love, something we in modern society should incorporate.
The Six Ancient Greek Types of Love:
familial love: storge
platonic love: philia
romantic love: eros
self-love: philautia
guest love: xenia
unconditional love: agape
There are several different ways you can dice and slice up love, the ancient Greek way is my favourite. I find it pretty straightforward. The main topic here is to see how complex love as a feeling is. Not only is it a question of interpretation and perspective, but there are also different kinds of love. And each type shows itself through a different sensation in the body. Rather confusing, don’t you think?
An intermittent recap: we covered what fairness and equality are, we also covered the role of differing people’s perspectives, and we talked about the topic of love. Next, we will cover the much-loved topic of money and its relationship to love.
Money vs. Love
Particularly in business families money or financial assets play a big role. And in many cases, they form a polarity or paradox. What should one focus on more? Money or love? Do I need to choose one or the other? Just as a person can become a slave of love, people become slaves of money. A dynamic that is often seen in families with financial wealth. Our assets start to dictate our lives to us and not the other way around.
Seneca
“Wealth is the slave of a wise man. The master of a fool ”
The important statement is that people often try to weigh love (or the lack thereof) up in money. This is why we discussed love in great detail. Money and love are two topics that cannot be separated in families. Or let’s say they cannot be treated separately as they are intertwined. Just as business and family are intertwined. While money is the currency in the business world, love is the currency in the family world. Before we move on repeat this sentence: money is the currency in the business world and love is the currency in the family world. Now the question begs: Is there an exchange rate? Can we translate money into love and vice versa? Where is the next currency exchange for this transaction?
Sounds absurd, right? Yet we behave as if it’s totally normal. We believe that just as we can buy most things in life, we can buy love. Instead of being at your kids’ football game, you buy a present. Instead of attending that important audition, you pay for a nice holiday. Being business savvy, you will know how to make money, lots of it. How do you create love? How do you earn it? There are more parallels to business and making money than you would think. One way to create love is to exchange time for love, just as you can exchange time for money. One important basis of love is time, the time you spend with your loved ones. Now, time alone won’t do the trick, the type of time matters. We have all heard the term “quality time”, so just as you can make more money by delivering better quality services, you create more love by the quality of the time you spend together.
Ralph Waldo Emmerson
“When it comes to divide an estate, the politest men quarrel.”
If you wanted to weigh love up with money, you would first need a method to measure love. If we argue that the less loved child needs more money to compensate for this fact, how do you evaluate this lack of love? Fret not! There actually are some attempts at measuring love. One is the Triangular Theory of Love, and the other is the Love Colour Theory. However, they measure more the love you feel for a person. A “fun” exercise could be to have each person take this test for each person and then see what scores come out. This should never be done to compare scores and start pointing fingers. If the amount of love you feel for someone is not reciprocated, then you can work on why that is. This only works if you do the test in a safe space where people feel they can be honest in their answers. Also, the results should be taken with a grain of salt, this is not an exact science. You can give each of these tests a try.
Triangular Theory & Love Colour Theory
Justice
Justice will be a term and concept you will often hear regarding equality and fairness. Justice is a legal term that essentially means that rules or regulations must be followed. To serve justice means that these rules and regulations are enforced by a judge of some sort. Say your family has a family constitution that regulates certain things. Someone in the family does not adhere to the rules and then justice is served in some manner.
The issue around applying a legal framework to a family is, that a lot of what you can contractualize in business, does not translate into family matters. You can sign a constitution with all sorts of rules, but in many cases, this will be toothless as there is no legal foundation. Many countries have strict rules around inheritance and here you cannot disinherit someone for not sticking to rules in the family constitution. However, there are some things you can put into proper regulations with the right structure etc.
Anyhow, the notion of justice in a family is a fickle topic. Justice is often not even served in society. Every rule you make will create new loopholes.
A little mind experiment can potentially be useful: In labour law the terms “equal treatment” and “fair treatment" are prevalent. Keep in mind that each country will have their version (if at all). To put the discussion into the right frame, imagine that you as the parent are the employer and you have employed your two children to be, you guessed correctly, your children. You can also turn this around and pretend that you have employed your parents to be your parents. Take some time and read into the employment laws of your country and try to apply them to the family situation. One thing that employment laws teach well is the topic of boundaries. As an employee, I am not required to be reachable 24/7. As an employee, there are boundaries to what can be expected of me in terms of risk, safety, exhaustion and so on. Now ask yourself: What do you expect and how do you treat your family peers? Do you stick to boundaries? Do you expect unreasonable things? From experience, I can tell you that you will expect and demand more from a family member than from an employee. And in most cases, it is not fair to do so.
One question I urge you to ask yourself: Is the world a just place? Is the world a fair or equal place?
Best practices
By now, we established that it is very unlikely and idealistic to expect fair, equal or just treatment in a family. The reasons have been discussed above. So, what can a family do to work on this and get close to fair, equal and just treatment?
The obvious one is to work on the currency of love: quality time. Do this early on in the life of each family member. You cannot outsource this; this is a task for the big bosses themselves. Parents or about-to-be parents reading this: spend as much time as you can with your offspring. And make the time well spent. Lock away your PC and your phone. Be present and enjoy the moments. That joy will be transported to the next generation. If you want to protect your legacy, that is the best investment you can make. An African proverb describes this nicely: “The Child Who Is Not Embraced by the Village Will Burn It Down to Feel Its Warmth.” Use your wealth and power to buy the time for this. Don’t be a slave to your assets and neglect the family. Keep a practice of this later in life. Have regular meals with everyone. Go on vacations together. Do regular family meet-ups. There is a whole catalogue of fun and enjoyable things you can do. One more tip here: Accept your teenagers, we have all been there. Accept that they have a phase of self-discovery and part of that is to annoy the hell out of you.
African Proverb
“The Child Who Is Not Embraced by the Village Will Burn It Down to Feel Its Warmth.”
The next step would be to speak about all that was written earlier. Have conversations about love. What does it mean? Teach each other. Speak about fairness and equality. Explain to everyone why in some instances you choose equality and in some fairness. Not everyone will agree but be open about the reasoning behind it. Do this early on. Ensure that everyone is aware of their own definitions and perspectives and the others.
Rules and regulations are a topic often discussed and we have all heard about family constitutions and how important they are. Make sure you have facilitated discussions about fairness and equality and decide on how you want this to translate into justice. In which parts of the family’s life will equality be the main mechanism and how to define it? And where will you look for fair solutions? Make sure you work this out together, only then will you have buy-in from everyone. It needs to feel for everyone like they were part of finding the solution. So it is their solution. Presenting rules to family members will not achieve this. People will not honour them or believe they are important. Remember that many of the rules you put up are more of a guideline. There are limitations regarding legal consequences.
Seneca the Younger
“He, who decides a case without hearing the other side, though he decides justly, cannot be considered just.”
One more thing on rules and regulations. Stick to the rules that were agreed upon. A typical situation is that the parent/patriarch/matriarch – the governing body of a family - breaks their own rules because they become inconvenient to them. Why? Usually, because they were never meant for them. Or because it would have been troublesome to stick to them. But the problem with this behaviour is, that your children will remember. Just try to see how many instances you remember from your childhood where this was the case. So again: stick to your own rules please, or do not make them.
Make sure everyone in the family has a good relationship with money. What is money for? What can I buy with money and what not? Which problems can I solve by leveraging money and which not? You might wonder why this point is important. A lot of fairness and equality issues are rooted in warped relationships with money. In many families, there are some members if not all that have not integrated financial capital into their identity. And there often is a lot of financial trauma of some sort present. Some therapists specialize in this topic, albeit not enough yet. A good resource I can recommend is the book by Kirstin Keffler “The Myth of the Silver Spoon”. It is full of good exercises around integrating family wealth into our identity, which will help family members to have a good relationship with money.
With the discussed points you should be better prepared for the discussion around justice, fairness and equality. The article aims at creating a foundation on which your family can make their meaning around the terms. And give you a deep understanding of the actual issues behind the façade. Finally, I would like to finish this article with a quote from Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. In just two sentences he gives amazing advice for any parent or aspiring parent.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
“There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.”
